Topix Underground

I want to live at night a very private and very solitary double life where I get high and wander around in the dark outside in my pajamas with the full Moon and wild animals while I can still do that. No one knows about that shit except me and Gus. My wife doesn't even know. Why would I even bring that up with anyone? They'd never get it. I don't even give a shit about money anymore. I've transcended all that. I'm on a different plane. This was what I have been thinking about my entire life. "self actualization". I read about this. Abraham Maslow. Some book in 1981 I read. The hierarchy of needs. I've been fucking around with this since I was 18. I knew what I had to do. Walk away from my old life or it would never happen and that meant giving up a crazy amount of money and power but it was a clear moral choice of the kind that it so dramatic, stark and high stakes that the chance of it happening to anyone is astronomical and for it to happen to me almost killed me over a period of many years. Abraham Maslow and Jesus..or whoever wrote the New Testament. I'm not religious or even a believer but I read the New Testament many times and one of the phrases that more or less staked me to the ground was that bit about the camel going through the eye of a needle. I so wanted that not to be true. I waged war for a few decades and in the end Thank God I lost. It was true. I don't have any money anymore but I'll be Goddamned if I didn't just fall backward down a flight of stairs for a few decades and  land on my feet without spilling my drink.  There's no way I could have planned this because if I got my way I'd be long gone. It's the long game I could never see because I'm always too busy reliving things that probably never happened  and worrying about things that probably won't happen. I'm going to smoke pot and take pictures of the Moon. That's what I'm going to do.